Mar 14, '16: I got angry at Him.

To be honest--perfectly honest--what I'm feeling right now towards you is just disgust.
Sheer, utter, disgust.
And it didn't happen just in a week or in a month or in one event with a boy.
It's been accumulating.
Maybe I right now just want a place to vent, because I feel like I keep talking to Him about it, but He doesn't hear and He doesn't care and doesn't act.
And I'm wondering WHY.

...

He cares. He knows. He ordained, and He's gone before me.
I know.
I know He loves me.
And I know He loves her.
I just need my stupid flesh to stop.

Okay, I've pintpointed it.
It's disgust. How do I stop it?

The whole "think of where you once were" doesn't work anymore.
I grew crazy fast the moment I accepted You.
For some reason, You gave me so much grace that accelerated my growth like crazy.
So how am I supposed to look at her WITH the Holy Spirit and relate to where she is in the sanctification process?
She's not even drawing power from You even though she knows it's available to her.
She's not even moving forward even though she knows it's what's wanted of her.
She doesn't even think of others' emotions and cares.
She doesn't view people through spiritual lenses. And she's so far in this walk with You!
She hasn't even grown despite her knowing of You!

I can't relate; You gave me way way much grace when I first accepted You.
For her, You're doing something else.
I can't relate, and I can't use that "think of where you once were" method.

So what now, God?
How do I get rid of this disgust?

...

It's separating sin from sinner, isn't it... I mean, disgust isn't bad if it's reserved for the wicked, abominable things which certainly disgust You.

I think the healthy habit I cultivated in my war against lust has leaked into my war against enmity with her.
But it turned from being healthy in one spot to being destructive in another.
But it doesn't have to be so.

With hating the sins in her life, I can love her better.
With seeing all that disgusting things in her life and recognizing that the Lord has taken them all away, I can love her the right way.
With seeing her as her soul and not her flaws or solely her sin or solely her sanctification process, I can love her with the meditation of eternity.