Mar 20, '16: parents as idols

You're breaking it down...

I know-
YOU know that I've always held my parents in a high position.
I never thought it'd be higher than You...

It hurts so much that they don't care, that they don't reply, that they simply are non-existent in my life right now.

But it also is a profound joy when I hear You whisper in my ear, "Come here, you~ How was your day?"
Ha. I'd just look straight in your face and ask you why you always come to see me whenever I feel alone, or weak, or small, or meaningless.

You'd always just grab me in Your arms and remind me that I am loved.

I never thought I'd have my parents as an idol until You made it known to me through this situation.

All I can say is that I don't need them because I have You. And because I don't need them and have You, I can actually be a blessing to them and come to help them in any way possible.

I guess they know I'm walking really closely (pretty much sticking and never letting go) with You and thus don't care much about me.
I guess they have my sister to worry more about.

Whatever it is, I have You.
So my parents may die and go home, my body may be burned, my mind and emotions may be attacked, but I have You and that's never going to change.

Mar 14, '16: a moment

I gave in, surrendered, and acted upon it--almost begrudgingly.
And I then started crying, realizing that I had just done His will.

"Come here," He told me.
"No. Just- no!" I said.
...
"Okay," I gave in and put my reading homework down.

"Well.
Done.
My good.
And faithful.
Servant."
He made sure I heard it.
And I did--loud. and. clear.

And immediately He stopped the urging calling.

Mar 14, '16: I got angry at Him.

To be honest--perfectly honest--what I'm feeling right now towards you is just disgust.
Sheer, utter, disgust.
And it didn't happen just in a week or in a month or in one event with a boy.
It's been accumulating.
Maybe I right now just want a place to vent, because I feel like I keep talking to Him about it, but He doesn't hear and He doesn't care and doesn't act.
And I'm wondering WHY.

...

He cares. He knows. He ordained, and He's gone before me.
I know.
I know He loves me.
And I know He loves her.
I just need my stupid flesh to stop.

Okay, I've pintpointed it.
It's disgust. How do I stop it?

The whole "think of where you once were" doesn't work anymore.
I grew crazy fast the moment I accepted You.
For some reason, You gave me so much grace that accelerated my growth like crazy.
So how am I supposed to look at her WITH the Holy Spirit and relate to where she is in the sanctification process?
She's not even drawing power from You even though she knows it's available to her.
She's not even moving forward even though she knows it's what's wanted of her.
She doesn't even think of others' emotions and cares.
She doesn't view people through spiritual lenses. And she's so far in this walk with You!
She hasn't even grown despite her knowing of You!

I can't relate; You gave me way way much grace when I first accepted You.
For her, You're doing something else.
I can't relate, and I can't use that "think of where you once were" method.

So what now, God?
How do I get rid of this disgust?

...

It's separating sin from sinner, isn't it... I mean, disgust isn't bad if it's reserved for the wicked, abominable things which certainly disgust You.

I think the healthy habit I cultivated in my war against lust has leaked into my war against enmity with her.
But it turned from being healthy in one spot to being destructive in another.
But it doesn't have to be so.

With hating the sins in her life, I can love her better.
With seeing all that disgusting things in her life and recognizing that the Lord has taken them all away, I can love her the right way.
With seeing her as her soul and not her flaws or solely her sin or solely her sanctification process, I can love her with the meditation of eternity.